Mom, I still miss you every single day. I'm shocked that exactly one month from today you will have been gone for three years. In some ways it doesn't seem that long ago, life goes so fast, as you always told me it would. In other ways it seems like forever ago since we talked.
I keep remembering those last two weeks and the few more things I wish I had said, but I didn't because I didn't want to upset you and probably didn't want to fully admit the end was so near. But, I also remember being in the hospital room, not sleeping but watching you sleep, and thinking I have a whole life to sleep so I just wanted to be in your presence while I still could. I'm glad I held to that idea so aggressively and that I had all of those moments with you, until the very end.
I have gone back to Seattle a few times, where we spent three months during your chemo/radiation treatments, and I was so afraid I would no longer love that city as much because of bad memories. I don't have bad memories though. I'm sooooo thankful I had the opportunity to be with you all of those days/weeks/months, and value that I was able to drop everything and spend that time with you. I will NEVER regret that. I still love the city and so many places remind me of places we went, saw, stayed or talked about. I still do love Seattle and we will always have that time together, along with Jim and the puppies, and I even cherish all those endless hours in the hospital, chatting, reading, watching tv, just being together, while you were going through your treatments. While I know you didn't choose to go through all of the treatments just to have time with me, I'm so very thankful you did choose to fight. With only a 2-3 month prognosis without treatment, those 22 months you lasted were so precious to all of us and I thank you for giving us that gift. I know it wasn't easy, it must have seemed so bleak and sad for you many times, but just having that time with you, and thank God you weren't suffering or in pain as so many with cancer have to endure, is something I will always treasure.
I still think of you a zillion times a day and it surprises me after three years that you are still such a prevalent thought in my mind. I'm much healthier, mentally, than when I wrote my first post and I wondered how long it would take to get over that roughest spot. People tell you the first year is hardest, and that proved to be true. And as someone told Jennefer, in a couple of months she predicted it would be harder for us, she was right on target with me. I was so incredibly depressed in November and December after you passed. Thankfully I found a good counselor to talk it over with, she was also an "orphan" which is something I hadn't fully processed, and she also prescribed some meds that were and continue to be lifesavers (I think I needed them before you passed but this just brought it to a head). I also made some changes in my life that I can attribute to this.
The biggest thing is that I decided to do is to go to work for the government. It worked for you in the federal government, being steady, and in both of our cases, enjoyable work, and it's proven to be the best thing for me as well. It's the best professional decision I've ever made. Hopefully I'll make it through the budget issue and not receive a layoff notice, but I have faith I will, and look forward to working there until I retire. Without going to counseling, and just looking at what changes I needed to make, even if temporary, to get through my grief, I would have never decided to take the test to get on with the California state government. So you are still helping me, even from beyond.
Oh, and I went to a John Edward event last year, in hopes of being "read" and I think I was. Unfortunately, some other person stood up and tried to make it their story, but she and her sisters were trying to "make it fit", but for me, it did. Exactly!!! Right down to our discussion that if you ever wanted to give up, and needed my help, I would help you. We both shared the idea that euthanasia should be legal and an available option to those who are ready to go, when they are dealing with a terminal illness. He brought that up by starting "did you ever have a conversation with this person....yada, yada, yada" and I knew it was you. I truly believe you made contact, I got the message, and hopefully the group of sisters that stood and thought they were being read, got peace from it as well. You raised me not to be pushy and take things that didn't belong to me (sometimes I am pushy, when it's completely necessary), so I didn't stand up and say "this is my mom, not your mom", but the message got through.
You would be happy that Lynn and I still have a fabulous relationship. He has stood by me, as always, through the hardest times of your passing, etc. He misses you too. We talk about you often and comment on "mom would have loved this". We go out for margaritas to celebrate your birthday!!! My marriage and relationship with Lynn is what I treasure the most in my life.
We saw an old couple walking in a parking lot this week, and we had just left a funeral so we were both thinking about life, and I said "I hope we get to grow old together like that" and he agreed that he hopes so too. We are reminded that life together can be much shorter than we want, and I hope we have many more decades to come (16 years since I met him as of May 6 and 14.5 years of marriage~life is good and love is great!!!)
I must go, be creative, and get ready to go back to work tomorrow. As always, I love you mom!
